Monday

The Empress's New Show



So, Last night my boyfriend and I watched the much hyped premiere of Lena Dunham's new HBO series, "Girls".....Um, oy vey ist mir.

Beyond the pathetic portrayal of twenty-something women, I was dismayed by the absence of critical responses to the show. In line with my mildly-reactionary tendencies, I have effective gone off: 

Ahem.

Dunham's character, Hannah, and her impotent friends were pitiful and downright boring. Watching the pilot was akin to biting into a mealy apple. The hype surrounding 'Tiny Furniture' certainly created an appetite for her glib, superfluous style of narrative but like the flavorless, sawdust flesh of the apple, the show has thus far left a bad taste in my mouth.

Anyway.

Maybe it's because both of her parents occupy prominent positions in the art world that I was expecting a show with interesting characters, insight, or at the very least, well-constructed conflicts. I'm disappointed bot not surprised that thus far, the show has been well-received.

With shows like "Two and a Half Men", "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia", "Entourage", and "How to Make It in America" pulling in millions of viewers a week, it's not suprising that this vacuous drivel has found a willing audience. Now, parasitic twenty-somethings and aging hipsters alike can rejoice in a show that is the cynical equivalent to "Everybody Loves Raymond". My face hardly waivered from it's cringing sneer through the entire episode.

I'd say don't waste your time, but I think you need to witness the mediocrity for yourself. I suspect that the characters are thinly-veiled versions of the actors themselves, albeit with exaggerated personas that mimic the archetypal hipster flaws.

Poor character development aside, the 'conversations' throughout the episode were so lackluster, and lacking in authenticity that it made it difficult for me to develop an interest in the characters at all.

Seriously, why do we care about entitled adult-children having unrealistically awkward, casual sex?-- I hate to even mention it, but the sex scene on the couch was so art-school.

The episode reminded me of eavesdropping on:
A) Iowa-native American Apparel employees
B) Drunk asian girls sitting on the L train
C) Pratt undergrads who dress like a yikes! pencil

I like to think of this phenomenon as the 'Emperor's New Clothes Effect' reinterpreted for the identity starved.

Ironically, the joke is on us.

Sunday

AT&T's New Slogan: "Pick your Poison, Assholes!"

Searching for phones online is like having an identity crisis.

Allow me to illustrate. Like the innocent doe lapping water from the stream you peruse the AT&T phone page. Swathed in the soft blanket of false advertising, you search for the phone that best represents unique little you. Compare and Contrast. "The pictures look nice. The green check marks are all there! Ah, yes, email capabilities, 4G connectivity. This one looks good." Then you search out the negative customer reviews. Without warning, the facade of placidity cracks, and you find yourself hunched over the computer, like Dr. Jeckyl, questioning your ability to make sound decisions. Your mouth feels stuffed with cotton as you consider the ramifications of buying the wrong phone; fighting a losing battle with rationalization. Alas! Your confidence deflates like last week's birthday balloon.
It was in this anguished state; mentally writhing, struggling with the beast of consumerism, that these words sprung from my breast, like Athena from the crown of Zeus.


Every time I find a phone I like on at&t.com I read the customer reviews;
People are all damning the phone to hell.
At&t's stupid website is making me question my judgment.
My palms get sweaty,
The bottomless maw of anxiety threatens my search
Oh god.
I'm going to get a bad phone no matter what.
Oh god.
Give me a damn pager.

Tuesday

Kanye West Wants Attention, Enjoys Taking Candy from Babies



You were wrong, Kanye. George Bush doesn't hate black people, he just hates you. Along with the rest of the country.



Also, my bike was stolen yesterday. I'm pretty sure Kanye did it.

Thursday

Steven Tyler Fakes Injury to Follow True Passion



Recently leaked photos from the upcoming season of Real Housewives of Orange County reveal that Steven Tyler had ulterior motives for taking that subtly orchestrated dive off the stage.




To the untrained eye, it would seem that decades of drug use, plastic surgery, and a healthy dose of narcissism created this crepe-skin monster. Gear yourselves up, sportsmen, because the decades-long transformation is finally complete! Steven Tyler has successfully transformed himself into a OC housewife/large mouth bass hybrid.




Wednesday

Only Survivor of the SS Oldsmobile dies after long, painful, deserved illness


Fuck Ted Kennedy and the Masshole voters who re-elected the loser over and over. Massachusetts' voting track record is more embarrassing than Florida's Death Row Exoneration rate.













Ted Kennedy’s true legacy is the sore on Lady Liberty’s ass reminding Americans who aren’t blinded by the charisma of the Kennedy clan that family, wealth, and politics has everything to do with justice, right O.J.?



It still boggles my mind that he was not sentenced for manslaughter, DUI, obstruction of justice, criminal negligence, and being a self-serving fuckass, or anyone of the above. He blatantly threw Mary Jo Kopechne's life, (AND HER UNBORN CHILD'S LIFE) away to protect his own political career. We should have marched him around Washington wearing ladies underwear, and then water boarded him to death, naked, and shamed.


This brings me to another point. I would love to take a poll of Senator Swimmer's supporters, and see just how many of them are rabid pro-lifers. They lurk in every demographic, political affiliation, neighborhood gas station, and day care center, whether they have the obnoxious bumper sticker or not. If some asshole stops at the yellow light on the day you're late to work, it's probably one of them. They think they have the right to govern others lives, and they love to make you late for work.


Back to Teddy VonMurderherr. I can't believe the articles I've seen inducting him into the Great American (Kennedy) Hall of Fame. Regardless of how he spent his time in the Senate, he is still a murderer. Although, this does give hope to O.J. Simpson. Maybe he should run for Senator. If Washington D.C. elects convicted crack smokers, and Massachusetts elects all-but-convicted murderers, I'd say O.J has a chance somewhere along the eastern seaboard. Hey, Massachusetts has an open seat! You're a glove-in, O.J!

Sunday

Billy Mays, Iconic Spokesman Dead; Oxi-Clean Sales Plummet



Haikus to Billy Mays:

Why did you go, friend
Devoted spokesperson
Oxi-clean mourns

Found dead in your bed
The world feels your loss, friend-o
Flags fly half mast now


R.I.P : (

Saturday

Michael Jackson: Snow Globes, Onesie's, Bedazzled Tube Socks, Oh MY!

MJ's crap to be auctioned off immediately:


A portrait of Michael Jackson dressed as a king, oil on canvas, signed and dated 1995 and housed in an elaborate gold frame. Guide price $4,000-$6,000



Michael Jackson’s Triumph-era socks with uppers covered in rhinestone banding. 1981, Guide price $600-$800



Whoopsie, Michael! You should learn to hide your sex pillows better!



Hand-blown glass dome, containing hand-painted figurines, including E.T., Jiminy Cricket, and the King of Poop's favorite icon Peter Pan.
Price unlisted.


M-Jarbies!
Price unlisted.


Michael Jackson's most prized possession: Elton John's Concert Onesie. Rumor has it he acquired this bedazzled wonder after Elton John forgot it at the ranch after one of their sleepovers.
Price unlisted.

Friday

"Artist of the Millenium" Dies: Al Sharpton is Very Upset.

Does anyone else find this ridiculous outpour of emotion for an alleged child molester repugnant?

SO FUCKING WHAT, PEOPLE. As I've said before, his music is not that good, his life choices were questionable, and his knack for inter-generational sleepovers was all but damning.



For Christ's sake, where was Rev. Al Sharpton when Norman Mailer died?


Did people in Denmark amass in the street to take pictures of the ticker announcing the death of William S. Burroughs?


Did people silkscreen pillows with images of Mother Theresa's face, and clutch them like a vestige to their beloved past?

It's really sad that we are more distraught by the deaths of the Heath Ledger's, Michael Jackson's, and Princess Diana's of the world than the deaths of it's writer's, artists, philosophers, and scientists; you know, the people who earned their fame through talent and perseverence?

Groundbreaking Poll: More Awesome than God?





Who is More Awesome?



Pope John Paul II
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Paul "Flaming Turkey" Simon


















The Regression of Eugene Levy

Witness Eugene Levy's decline into Porn, unwittingly documented by the oft straight-to-video "American Pie" series








Better than Paul Simon

Paul McCartney (just barely better)
Paul Winter
Paul Newman
Paul Wall
Paul Anka
Paul Young
Prince Paul
Paul, Peter, and Mary
DJ Paul
Paul Bunyan
Paul Haley

Revelation of the Day

Thursday

"Ding-Dong! M.J. Is Dead!"



I will shed a tear in NEVERNeverNeverland.









Don't cry little Ashley, his music stopped being good in the eighties!

Paul Simon is a Heretic!


Recent evidence that has surfaced via an unknown, yet highly reputable source, (Reuters, shhh!) gives unquestionable proof that first, Paul Simon is older than Jesus, and second, PEOPLE CO-EXISTED WITH DINOSAURS. That's all the proof I need to condemn carbon dating, and Carl Sagan

On a deeper level, this disturbing photograph reveals that Paul Simon is a warlock! How else could he appear to be a simple, robed, 30 year old man, riding on a brontosaurus, pre-Old Testament, and appear again IN THE MID-SEVENTIES, not having aged a day!! Following the infallible guide of Christian logic, PAUL SIMON MUST BE A WARLOCK.

WARLOCKS ARE AN ENEMY OF GOD!

I would love to have a coffee with that woman, and talk about how Paul "Warlock" Simon should be dealt with. After all, he is a blasphemous, evil traitor to God, just like Harry Potter.

Wednesday

Snarfy and Barfy together at last!



Simon and Garfunkel have reunited to be joint spokespeople for Sweet & Low brand artificial sweetener, after Regis Philban contracted nasal ulcers from snorting large amounts of the cocaine like substance. What an idiot.

Simon Leaves Delicious Legacy After Tragic Yachting Accident




While nautically cavorting with aging fellow pop icons James Taylor, Jimmy Buffet, and Graham Nash, Paul Simon suffered a massive ephipany and jumped into Davy Jone's Locker out of shame. He was immediately steamed, cracked, and buttered by his hungry crewmates.

EXTRA! EXTRA!






No shit.

Groundbreaking Poll: More Awesome than God?




Who is more awesome?


Pope John Paul II
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Paul Gluteal Crease Sniffin Simon














Paul Simon has an Awkward Body Type

Why don't Jews, Blacks, Hispanics, or Eskimos like Paul Simon?



Because his music
sucks.

Where in the World is Paul Simon?















Peddlin' his wares, that's where!

To the father, the son, and the holy woody allen, deliver me from this brainless society





The Cape Man Strikes Again!

Former Folk Rocker Simon's Ebay Escapades Revealed!


Disturbing screen shot exposes Paul Simon's insatiable thirst for Asian teen girl's Saliva! WOWZA! What a creep!

Still 2'3 After All These Years: Little known facts about Paul Simon



During the research stages of his kindergarten-nap-time epic, "The Boxer", he was mistaken for a misplaced my-size barbie and was thrown into the lost and found bin. He took refuge in a baby powder blue Lugz boot, which later inspired him to write "gumboots".














According to a recent gallup poll, P.
Sniveler's "Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard"'s biggest fan base is senile Romanian refugees. Go figure. Maybe the key to liking that song is not speaking the language it's sung in.







Paul Simon was the original inspiration for the comedy classic "George of the Jungle". He also stuffs his onesie's with adult size tube socks.